No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
bruce springsteen sings some of the most romantic songs i've ever heard.
the hells wrong with u
dude last night I threw my weed into my back yard. there is now a foot of snow. after an hour I found my weed. if I put that effort into school, i'd have a 4.0.
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
i woke up and saw you were brushing his hair naked. I can never pass out around you, man.
I hear sloppy seconds go great with fried rice
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
Random pof guy just messaged me initiating a Pokemon battle. Want to be a bridesmaid?
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
Randomize
