Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
Jessi just used the excuse "it's not you it's me" to get out of getting a lap dance.
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
Just took plan b with my eggs and chai...homecoming got the best of me already
I'm definitely not at Wal-Mart eating jalapeno poppers with an elevated blood alcohol content
We played Rock Paper Scissors to see who would have to go down on the other person.
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
Randomize
