she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
i crashed through a building. if that counts then yes, i went out with a bang.
Half my make-up was stuck to his thigh where I'd fallen asleep after the blowjob.
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
I only got lap dances from the ugliest strippers, i couldnt stop myself from laughing the entire time.
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
Hope you are okay. You were running down the street with shopping cart at one point and yelling "bitches aint shit!"
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
I wonder how vigorously I can jack off in a one person tent without being noticed???
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
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