i just used burnetts to get spraypaint off the floor of my dorm lobby
a cemetary is a place for people to rest in peace and you just spermed all over their land
I hate the hobo that sits outside our building
Joe or Chris?
do i even wanna kno y u kno their names?
well i came home drunk one night and Chris offered me a beer as i was coming in, it was kinda weird but i wasn't goin to deny a free beer. you're proolly talkin about Joe though, he's the one with the fucked up eye.
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
Well he has that kind of carefree attitude that comes from a big penis
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
They won't let us do straight shots of 151 since that guy lit his face on fire.
true friends will drive 3 hours to come smoke a couple blunts with you on the bridge where your car broke down
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
For the past year I have been the most responsible I have ever been in my entire life and now spring break is here and there is free penis just traipsing around my entire town. The game is afoot.
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
Randomize
