im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
Bar. Show boob. Just one. Free drinks. Instant friends
Guys only need one. Little known secret. You're welcome.
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
And my fence, why is part of it on the roof?
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
I shaved last nite, you should see my cock it looks like a beautiful skyscraper
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
Fucking shoot me with this y'all shit. You were in Texas for 2months you do not have an accent Madonna
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
I just spent 100$ at a sex shop to make myself feel better. And I signed you up to win 200$ so if you win, it's mine. And yes I'm serious.
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
Naptime over. I've got fresh contacts and tequila. RAAAAAAGE!
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