A big part of growing up is learning how to tastefully stare at women
I'm saving my limes so I'll know how many drinks I've had.
I do the same thing, but I use ice cubes.
Woke up this morning at my parent's house. No idea how I got here... what happened last night? Was it bad?
We using my standards or yours?
I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
What do ugly girls do when they get too drunk at parties. They can't pull the whole "sorry i passed out on your couch but i'm hot so it doesn't matter "card
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
Its been 4 years since I have masturbated this hard. God bless the Olympics!
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
I just want to be covered in whipped cream and spanked, is that too much to ask?
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
Randomize
