sounds like you fell off the wagon.
fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.
dude I heard her through my door. She sounded like you were holding her head under water and they letting her up for air. I recorded that shit
I think I am the only girl in the world who would be proud of these scars from rug burn.
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
at some point i feel off my bar stool straight into the arms of a gay guy. just my luck.
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
You kept chewing on the empty milk carton and saying "kitty" over and over again. It was an interesting night.
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
Its official, kitchen-couch is my favorite.
You passed out again didn't you?
its likely that this occurred.
Randomize
