I think my vagina is haunted
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
It's not socially acceptable to be drunk in adult world. That fact makes me die a little inside.
Oh please not the Easy Cheese again. That was weird.
i think god would be more upset with me for turning down such a beautifully crafted cock than he would for me liking girls
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
He washed his dick in my kitchen sink after sex. I think he might be a keeper.
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
So.. I was kinda upset i got the bad fuck out of the situation
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
Randomize
