i just went through and liked all 1,239 of her pictures instead of writing my english paper. don't tell her, i want her to be surprised
Her vagina is like Vegas. high traffic and full of glitter.
I'm stoned and have been watching so many cartoons that I changed the channel and real people were on, and it scared me
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
he gets drunk and then tries to eat the lasers at the dance club
hes wearing the same tie today that i tied him up with last night.i wanna go home
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
This tequila is so bad I might cry. I won't Throw up but I might cry
I've peed outside too many times in just this past week
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
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