You're mentally unstable and I would hate to be you
so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
look to my right... shes dancing like she's playing dance dance revolution and her character is a retarded, drunken moose
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
I have never made a good decision in that bathroom...
At this point the smell of shame has become my natural musk
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
Giiiirl. Just had a BM that almost killed me.
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
Greattt I just sexted my dad trying to write u back
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
Randomize
