The pirates hijacked 3 more ships today!!
we need a boat to join in
Obama is on top of it we'd get killed within mins, but we'd live in legend foreva
dont worry your back hair reminds me of angel wings
since when did accompanying a guy to a wedding mean that anal was required that night?
Just role played anchorman. And yes, I did take her to pleasure town.
today was the first day of rush. talking to girls all day makes me sick of having a uterus.
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
I made out with a dude last night who has an ex wife. Is this what post grad life is about?
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
day drinking caused me to be in bed at a decent time. can't complain.
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
i woke up and couldnt remember who was in my bed and it was so dark.. i rolled over and started kissing him and feeling his face because hey... if the blind can see like that.. maybe i could too
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
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