I'm not 100% on this, but I'm pretty sure I just accidently talked my way into a threesome.
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
i want to be friends with one of those mini shredded wheat men.
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
His girlfriends signaled their approval by pulling me off of him and in turn making out with me. I think I will hang out with this group more often
I probably won't go. Last time I got drunk with those guys I just started demanding people let me touch their beards.Then I mocked everyone who didn't have facial hair.
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
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