My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
I decided to have standards now that i've graduated. No guys without a bed frame.
Just had the weirdest flashback. Did we buy melon, take it into the restaurant and try to make them give it to us as dessert?
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
I just deff did the walk of shame.. His roommate/manager woke us up. A dog scared me on my stumble to the car.
This is why I'm single.
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