Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
The future queen of Norway was pregnant with a druglord's baby when she met the prince. We still have hope.
What would you do in exchange for having a girl eat a waffle house waffle off your body?
Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
Yeah, you went up to him and said "I stare at people until they feel obligated to talk to me."
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
On a unprofessional note, there's a new girl in photo.
That wasn't unprofessional. The fact that I'm going to fuck her is unprofessional.
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
My hookup from last weekend apparently got arrested today... his roommate just tagged me on facebook asking for bail money.
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
How do I sound like a lady while communicating the fact that I want his dick in my mouth?
Randomize
