The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
That glade motion activator thing keeps going off every time we pass the bong. I don't know what I'm getting high off right now.
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
NO. NO LET HIS PENIS TOUCH YOU.
He sent me a picture of his dick with a cowboy hat on it.
In a weird way, I don't want to stalk him on Facebook. I want to find out what's wrong with him the old-fashioned way. Is this what it means to be romantic?
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
That's the 3rd guy I've made pass out from a bj. I may have super powers.
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