We're hooking up, I have a toothbrush at her place, and yet on leaving her apartment a minute ago we said goodbye with a hi five. WTF?
You're upset about this?
There's a woman here that looks like a cross between Michael Jackson and Flipper.
Is it weird I want to fuck the cartoon chick from e-surance??
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
So I am watching ghostbusters and I realized Rick moranis is basically in the friends zone than he turns into the key master bangs her and it leads to the end of the world...maybe there is a reason people are in the friend zone
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
I'm ready to run through the streets naked yelling "HES ALIVE!"
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
good morning. i just did a walk of shame in front of his grandmother.
Randomize
