I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
I don't know what you're talking about but its dick galore in the tub. We will be getting poked tonight. Bring forks.
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
He won't have sex to beyonce. I hate him.
Don't know how your birthday has been, but mine has involved Hershey's syrup and a blowie. It's safe to say you're playing catch up.
The cop that got shot in the dick is here, let the entertainment begin.
Found another bruise from Saturday #stopliquor2014
You're acting like you didn't chug fireball, like duh you have bruises you drunk betch
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Randomize
