My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
Ps if we're still living vicariously through each other, you had sex on a beach last night
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
i just snorted adderall with my patient's rolled up EKG strip from our last clinical. nursing school has ruined me. thought you would appreciate this.
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
HOLY SHIT. I JUST FOUND OUT THAT THE KARL/RORY BASEBALL FIGHT THAT RORY LOST WAS 2 YEARS AGO TODAY. RIP KARL'S DICK.
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
Randomize
