I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
There is a mosh pit in our kitchen. You better hurry.
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
Oh shit I just realized the ropes are still tied to the bedposts
Phone sex soon? I mean date. Sex date. Date phone.
all 3? possibly?
I think I'm up to the challenge.
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
151 hangover. Need apocalypse.
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
Is posting a pic on insta of my previously dyed blue pubes socially acceptable?
90% sure the total babe I have been talking to all night has a kid. Ugh, so sad right now.
Im so high
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
Randomize
