I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
so the chest pain/shortness of breath/overdose guy we just took to tm hospital is now running down market street from the police in a gown holding his iv.
apparently they started giving me water shots and i couldnt tell the difference
Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!
Well the light went out so I was throwing up by candle light. Strange moment in my life.
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
at least if we puke, we will be surrounded by beautiful, non-judgemental trees.
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
So after I fell off 4 times we concluded I'm not allowed to ride him anymore.
I think I blacked out after I decided drinking alone on the trailered jetskis was a good idea
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
Randomize
