no dont talk to me..because of you my bar tab was more expensive than my hospital bill
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
I saw him coke blaxckout on the subway at 9 this morning yelling at people callig himself the gatekeeper.
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
so gross sitting on a warm chair at a restaurant..you just know a fat person was sitting there shoveling food into their face for hours.
That is an awkward looking cockshot, not gonna lie
Note to self...boner negates all verbal agreements ...got it
Any chance the bar is open now? Also who's wedding is this?
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
THREE MINUTES! THREE MINUTES PAST MIDNIGHT I STSRT HEARING CHRISTMAS MUSIC ON THE OVERHEAD PA SYSTEM!!!
Randomize
