Leaving terminator. dude in front of us leaving was wearing a baggy micael vick jersey, cargo shorts and brown crocs. God I hate people.
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
just because the DWI class is located at the University does not make him a professor. I was duped, he is in no way, shape or form a professor!
Let's buy some Wrangler jeans and be real live men.
Come over. And we'll put iced coffee in the bong.
I need to thank someone for this kid's penis.
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
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