It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
is it wrong that i plan on stealing a few pipecleaners from my preschool classroom to clean my bowl?
i can't believe i had a foursome before a threesome
He was like a Bill Nye the science guy of sex....he was telling me things about my clitoris that I didn't even know
Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
it's 8 a.m. and there are people having sex at the foot of the strangers bed i'm in. the guy just asked the girl how she lost her baby weight so fast.
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
Oh yes. Made out with a grandmother..... she had fake boobs and it was 330am. That makes it okay.
Mardi gras at its finest.
Two days later and my throat is still sore. That bong is a double edged sword.
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
My Boss was giving porn recommendations. I think I'm scarred for life.
You know its awkward when your mom walks in on you and your boyfriend yelling surprise....I was scared into an orgasm
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Randomize
