he said my vag tasted like ravioli n pennies... i forgot I was on my period
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
Is my lip ring still in your hair?
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
does the girl puking in my garbage belong to you?
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
YOU LICKED MY MAKEUP OFF.
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
Randomize
