I'm seeing double. Its like being in a room full of people
I went with the blow up doll and I'm glad I did.
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
He proposed that we "bone". I've completely given up on boys.
I had fun last year but I was one half of the hoe train back then. At least I'll feel better about myself as a person this year.
I'm going to miss going to the strip club though.
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
You said this was your mistake shot and then vomited on the tv. Never forget.
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
we were clicking our heels together saying theres no place like home, while the cops were tellin us to call our parents and tell them what happened.
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
Randomize
