Blackberries need to come with a feature that disables texting to certain numbers after 2am based on content. liek disabling texting to 'dad' containng the words 'lets try to find more blow.'
the recession has oofficially hit my standards.
Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
Internet sex stories have completely ruined the word sopping for me.
There were 11 girls in that minivan and everyone was either puking, crying, or yelling "we're a total shit show"
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
Thank you for not boning my boss.
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
We need a fire pit. Meat. And a keg.I mean like a cow we just carve from. And cook it. We can use the milk from the udder to make White Russians
I just wanna be able to fart and do my homework but he won't leave
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
Randomize
