I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
i don't know at this point bringing the fog horn might be a good idea...
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
It's ok, I like adventure. Just ask my vagina.
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
We are without power. He took ALL the lightbulbs out and hid them.
do you know how ratchet you have to be to get kicked out of a drag club on Halloween weekend??
you smell like cheap hookers & chicken nuggets.
I have a boner in one of my pics with her which no one noticed.
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
Never. No amount of alcohol could convince my brain and eye sight that it is okay to fuck him. I'd rather fuck my cousin.
His sex game is strong it’s like a warlord’s dick! you know what I mean?
Nope
Randomize
