my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
sometimes i look at this picture of your cock before i go to sleep, there's something comforting about it
I gave him a blowie and after he said he wanted to send a giftbasket to the girl we met through.
What I lack in compassion I make up for in lack of compassion
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
I just sniffled when I woke up and got a bump of coke. I have never felt so good hung over.
He was going down on me as I discovered a spaghetti-O on my boob. Its been a while since I faked it.
Well on a lighter note, I had sex in a food truck.
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
It's true. There would need to be A LOT of data collection. Aka, dick-catching. I volunteer as tribute.
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
Randomize