My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
It was going well until he told me about the 7k he made in college to be in a gay porn
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
So again no comment on the cleavage. I'm a bit disappointed. If those girls come together to make cleavage AND I send you a pic of it, you have to comment on it. That's like relationship 101.
Just checked in with my friend who walked in on us. He thinks you two had a spiritual connection and he's bugging out
He was also rolling face on molly so his perception of divinity might be slightly off
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
HE'S LIKE A GREEK GOD BUT HE'S FROM BOSTON. HE'S A BOSTON GOD
pray to him
I WANNA PRAY ON HIS DICK
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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