I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
How do you know one of your one night stands hasn't produced a child? You may have hundreds of kids.
Pretty sure I don't. One night stands are purely anal..no exceptions.
can we take a shower together?
no need for the romantic shit. I'm a sure thing
he told my vagina that he was looking forward to meet it
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
you have 30 seconds to convince me not to grab this guy's crotch in front of his girlfriend
You had blacked out Skype sex? Wow we live in the future
Randomize
