i asked him how he could stand the smell of skunk. his answer was "it smells like good weed"...
Still at the library. i hate tax accounting so much that i've started calling it potions...
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
if it looks like there's being an exorcism being performed you know your doing something right.
I need a beard to bite.
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
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