she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
My vagina has officially become a vortex for sexually confused frat guys.
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
Learned my lesson. Pink pantydroppers out of a beer bong=deceiving
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
Just took plan b with my eggs and chai...homecoming got the best of me already
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
I found them in the bathroom trying to wrap an American flag around Steve's dick. I didn't bother to ask questions.
IF I CANT STRIP TO SANTA BABY THEN WHY EVEN HAVE CHRISTMAS.
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
Man, I miss taking bong rips in my room. Now they are bringing dogs around so all my stuff is hidden in random places up in the woods. I literaly have to hunt and gather just to get high.
I dont know. He's too private. After you fuck him find out his secrets.
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