When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
$22.99 left in the bank til payday = 3($7 jack & coke) + 2($0.89 T-Bell taco) + $0.21 in case of emergency.
math is fun
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
Who knew that one of those cheesy light up equalizer shirts would be the light that all those drunk college girls gathered like moths around?
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
it's just not right when you're boyfriend has a nicer ass than you do.
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
As long as he continues to be our subleaser and continues to fuck me, I think it's acceptable for me to steal a piece of bread here and there.
His life is a porno. He snapped me while banging a girl in the back of the ambulance.
That's not "anything", that's you deep throating a mozzarella stick.
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
Randomize