He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
Also, if you all get arrested i'm coming to laugh at you because i don't have the money for bail.
I don't think I even want to know why you are sending my husband pictures of your nutsack.
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
I'm trying to drink up the confidence to run in public.
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
He's very cute and has a totally sit-able face.
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
Randomize
