We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
I don't know if it's lucky or if it really just makes my tits look THAT good, but I've never NOT gotten laid with this bra on
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
From russia with love. But also with chlamydia.
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
So shaving my butt whilst humming "be prepared" is now in my top five weirdest Friday night activities.
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
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