I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
I had some like war flashbacks of giving someone a handjob and i was trying to figure out who it was.
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
Want to go home, so casually slip my underwear in his pocket. Never seen him grin so big and say goodbye to his friends.
shes wearing an ankle tracker so she should be easy to find
He's way too stoned. I took him to el bra and he's laying on the table, not sure what to do with him
She's currently doing somersaults across the kitchen floor without underwear on. We may not make it to the bar.
The last thing I remember is goading each other into a vodka-chugging competition.
You were a for sure 10. You put on a traffic cone to meet someone.
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
That's how pantless uber rides happen
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
Randomize
