I just found 'pokemon orgy' in my search history
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
There's an australian, my relationship has no hope.
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
I messaged him asking for his address. He replied with the address then said, "If you're gonna stalk me, I'm the third window on the side and usually get naked around 8am and anytime randomly after 6pm (listen for music).. If you're sending anthrax, I'm 6'2" 225lbs so send a good amount."
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
He saved you from those guys at the club, took you home, and made you breakfast. If this isn't your come to Jesus moment IDK what is.
we managed to melt a few different forms of plastic into the cannibutter....
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
The thought of you trying to procreat frightenes and disgusts me!
Randomize
