I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
I'm such a slut...i kept having sex with him after he called me his ex gf's name. I just felt like i deserved something out of it too.
i have a bunch of little boys around me trying to hit on me
dont be selfish, show some boob
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
I'm not gonna lie. having my legs shaved for me in the morning was a lovely surprise.
It's been decided..lingerie is an investment. You get free breakfast and cab rides out of it.
You'd be surprised how many calories hedonism burns.
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
Bed, food, and you got really nice boobs. That's it really. Foundations of friendship right there.
About 98% sure I just walked by some dude jerking it in the library. I'm guessing his college experience isn't going as planned
I'm constantly crying, and now I start crying every time I masturbate which is a fun development.
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
Anne is dead. totally passed out and was flat out in the street
Randomize
