My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
He washed my hair whilst I gave him head in the shower. Bored or gay?
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
Just abandoned him for a bowl of soup and the living room floor...hope the window replacement guys don't get a show..I miss you!
I'm taking a new approach to homewrecking... for science. Or I totally would. I have to see what happens between my ex & his brother when he finds out.
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
I masterbated to the rocky theme song. I'm pretty sure that just beat any sex experience I've ever had.
He left weed in my bong for me this morning. What a guy.
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
Sorry you saw my balls. Pregame includes a lot of shaving.
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