After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
she added me on facebook and her celebrity doppelganger is rosie odonnel. FUCK
i was so fucked up i thought i was at home depot
Ate apple sauce off his penis. Nutritious and slutty.
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
Passed out on the bench in the men's bathroom. Feel much better now.
I had very briefly met him a few years ago. My friend was tired of hearing us both complain about being horny. She figured she would fuck two birds with one stone.
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
I don't really care where everyone ended up, but is everyone alive and not in jail?
Not in jail
Alive?
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
Randomize
