Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
Can we progress our friendship to a point where i'm at least granted a blowjob allowance?
So...it's hour 4 of day 5 of week 7 of my internship, and so far all ive done is shred paper. all. day. long. it's like working for Enron.
There comes a time in every girls life when she must use her boobs for good instead of evil.
Your pregnant arnt you
She's been divorced three times and use to raise cock fighters. Of course I'm interested in her
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
No we just stood in the kitchen and laughed for 2 hours about how funny the popcorn noise was.
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
Is it appropriate to send an apology gift to his roommates for breaking the bathroom sink during crazy sex?
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
We blew shit up to. With a cannon.
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
Randomize
