But you know it's love when you find brass knuckles in the same box he keeps his Naruto action figures.
i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
Weird we were more concerned with sharing our germs than tag teaming the blow job?
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
I think there was chlamydia in those woods.
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
Im like a saiyan, last weekends hangover will only make me stronger
he probably thinks i inited him over to have sex but really i just want to show him 90's music videos
Randomize
