My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
i an so hammered right now. I'm about to pass out but i just found the lion king dvd and i'm so happy words don't even describe.
I'm gonna name my first kid mufasa regardless if It's a boy or girl
So are you the girl that gave me herpes? or was that the girl from the night before
You know, I really only think drinking is a problem if you're not good at it.
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
At least we kept it together. It's people like him who yell at bushes that give acid a bad name
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
You were yelling in my ear let's double team her with her right next to us
Just found a ramen cup in the stall and all of the showers running with no one in them. WHERE ARE YOU?
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
She was grinding on him and then she was eating a Big Mac. Who the hell brings a Big Mac to the club?
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
Brought some lesbians back to the light side of the force
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
Randomize
