It's not called being bisexual its called making out with anyone that has a mouth
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
He told me he was a psychology major, and I responded by asking him where he hid his vagina.
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
Yes I peed all over myself and lost both my credit cards, who wants to know?
Costco cheesecake and whisky. A night made in heaven
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
I think everyone at the office can tell I'm dehydrated
you mean still drunk
I've heard it both ways
Answered a bio test question bc of watching phineas and ferb. Remind me to always drink when studying.
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
Randomize