Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
She's been drinking and was roller blading. I'm sure you can do the math
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
Ever wonder what all the drugs you've ever done would look like put together?
Heaven. . It would look like heaven
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
Just heard him in the middle stall. Sounded like someone emptied a toolbox into the toilet.
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
She fucked the dishwasher AND the manager.
Well, she isn't a classist. You've got to give her that.
I was left to my own devices with nothing to do but drink
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