dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
WHAT IS WRONG WITH SOCIETY?!?!?!
... says the kid who took a shit in my parents dishwasher...
he's having a long distance Facebook-coordinated power hour. the status update has 159 comments ...
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
We can't all go after the girl with the low self-esteem
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
The more and more I think about it, the more I realize... it's not ok to just pull over on the side of the highway to pee... I'm sorry I argued that
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
If there was a bread and water delivery truck id make sweet hungover love with it.
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
Just saw a rice crispy commercial and got emotional. I need to go home.
i just hope we're both dead or in prison at the same time
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
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