are you still at the devil's house?
the sham wow guy got arrested for beating up a hooker.
all you did was keep googling "what time is it" over and over and over
He IMed me 5 times, before my homepage even loaded. This is not gonna work out for me
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
No. Please No. At first it was cool when you started bring an extra girl home for me but after 2 cycles of clap medicine I'm putting an end to it.
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
Randomize
