She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
Apparently my gaydar only works on americans. Frenchie capris has two topless chicks in our kitchen making him breakfast.
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
When I take mushrooms I can feel your presence down there. I can feel where Africa is too.
Just keep my face away from hard objects. And by that I do not mean erect penised.... those are totally fine. It's more just things like rocks, table edges, blunt objects, etc so I don't get another concussion.
Me and him getting it in is for special occasions only. Like Christmas and when they bring the McRib back.
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
Oh jesus...leave it to you to hit on not one but two guys who can't fuck you till marriage.
I met her daughter,who I went to high school with on my way out this morning. She didn't seem to surprised. I love older women.
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
Vodka, rum, moonshine, I don't care, just bring like 5gallons.
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
I figure I since I made out with him that I at least had to save his number in my phone.
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
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