If immigrants and dwarves find love, why can't I?
Sorry, I don't speak sober.
he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
Spotted at kelly concert- 10 year old in a homemade "I do not hook up" t shirt. Well I should certainly hope not, sweetheart.
He fell off the roof... he clearly has not been preparing for summer.
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
I just remember being in the bathroom alone cussing out the bunny
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
Just heard the words 'Pussy Riot' on NPR...I almost crashed my car.
there was so much lube in my brother's closet...
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
Topless, eating sour gummies, doing a crossword, at 4 AM. TELL ME IM BEAUTIFUL!
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