I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
I tried giving you a bj last night and all you could manage was "Haha that tickles" and "in the morning"
bark. im thoroughly looking forward to kegs and eggs. next weekend should be pancakes and pinnical, then cereal and seagrams and then whiskey and waffles.
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
I'm making a date with someone on Playstation Home. That's how my sex life is going right now.
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
a guy just walked through our campsite, crouched down by the truck, screamed "ACID ONLY LASTS FOR 8 HOURS RIGHT?!", then ran off into the bushes
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
I'm sorry about the spring break comment. I won't make anymore pornos, I promise.
I'm recovering from the blowjob...She's doing her taxes...
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