my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
Well last time he got out of rehab he lasted 6 hours. So 3 days this time is quite an accomplishment.
Just took last nights make up off with a sock. That hungover.
Wasn't his fault he kicked a hole in the wall, they should have never tried to give him a bath after tequila.
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
dude I just found tht weird ass guy u invited last night passed out in my closet.... apparently he "couldn't find the exit"
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
Randomize
