Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
my dad told me i had to spend my money wisely..so i spent the money he gave me for a desk chair on weed. ill be so high i wont even notice its gone
How do you wash franks red hot sauce, whip cream, grapejuice and shame out of silk?
I would just throw it away. You cant just wash out shame, it has to soak for like a month.
Babe. Honestly. Trust me. Your balls are not that big. And i'm eager.
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
THIS IS NOT A DECISION I MADE AT ONE IN THE MORNING IM JUST GETTING AROUND TO TELLING YOU ABOUT IT NOW
Nah, he's definitely here somewhere. Whether he survived the night or not is your problem, but I'm pretty sure he's around.
It's a whole movie about Joseph Gordon-Levitt watching porn and having sex... I NEED to own it..
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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