New first...just saw an entire family of homeless hitch hikers...kids and all. God, i love Oklahoma!
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
I have visions of guys in cheetah costumes with suits over it pissing on a children how are you
If Anthony Weiner can get in trouble for sexting 2 or 3 girls I dunno how politicians will make it in 10 years.
Lol I would vote for a guy that is trying to be a senator that has a viral video of him motorboating a topless chick
I mean we don't talk anymore but I still see him around wearing that sweater he stole from me after we had sex
my life is turning into trapped in the closet at way too fast a speed for me to feel comfortable.
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
The best walk of shames are on the highway
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