I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
literally had 100 drinks last night.
He was eating me out on the dryer...and his mom walked in with her laundry basket...
He wasn't the only one with a full load.
Me and my dog bond so much when im high.
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
oh and then you called a time out with your penis
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
Yeah I made some freshmen feed me oddles of noodles and I passed out
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
After he came, he took a two minute power nap and then fucked me for another 45 minutes. He is a machine!
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