saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
is it just me, or are high schoolers getting sexier?
the last time i saw him was an hour he was floating face down in a pool... but i'm sure he's fine.
I would like to apologize for making you the target of my "I wish head hair grew as fast as Pubes speech" the other night
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
Are you having sex right now? Or is the apt just swaying rhythmically on its own? Either way, awesome.
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
Running my fingers through my hair was like that scene in Patch Adams where the old lady got to swim in a pool of pasta. I love Molly.
So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
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