Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
Just watched an entire Mariachi band walk of shame home together. Halloween at its finest
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
Not too bad but came home early cuz business was shut down due to an employee sexually harrassing the inspector
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
Is it possible to be sexually attracted to someone's hair?
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
Family trip though. I generally don't wheel too much ass with the fam in tow. Despite the fact my parents would be pleased if I did.
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
Considering what happened last night and how horrible I feel, I look amazing
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
Randomize
