I think i sorta joined a cult last night
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
Nobody is stopping the marines from drinking in class on veterans day. They literally brought a cooler with a bottle of whiskey and vodka on ice. And are passing out red cups to anyone interested. Staying in Vegas for college has officialy become an A+ decision
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
I'm actually drinking gin and juice out of a floridas natural carton...so if that has any indication of how I'm doing
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
Mom and dad should be so proud half of their children have gotten naked in the same local grocery store
If you could not mention to him that I slept with his best friend, that'd be cool of you.
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
Why are you naked at 4pm?
Its my birthday, I dont have to wear clothes
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
Randomize
