thank god random hookups don't end with college. happy birthday, america.
These people need to leave so I can have rum and Doritos at work like every other American.
you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
fter the third song from an iPod commercial played I realized how much that frat sucked.
I wouldn't really call it 'getting lucky' considering I paid her to do it.
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
You expect me to find someone in two days who I feel comfortable enough with to ask them to get drunk and go play in foam with me?
Well... this vagina won't eat itself
I just puked in my non fat yogurt... But it's non fat in hopes that someone wants to eat my vagina
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
I don't hate him I just hate being present to see him consume 80 dollars worth of alcohol and then try to tip people with left over money on a Walmart gift card
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
He could only go twice. I need a guy with more stamina and is less married
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
The weirdest part of it all was wondering if I was going to take off his fanny pack or he was before we fucked
Randomize
